I wish I didn’t have to be sensored.

I pride myself on not having a lot of filters. I’m not sure if I was born without them, lost them as I got older or I just want to say what I want to say...and I don’t really give a damn what people think. Except, actually I must on some level because what I really wanted to say was I don’t give a fuck what people think....hmm I’m pondering this....I must have some filters.  Maybe I’ve learned over the years that people appreciate the truth, unless the truth is a fact about themselves that isn’t pleasant to face.

Random thought...I teeter on “I don’t give a fuck what you think” and “I want you to like me”...unless of course, I don’t like you then I don’t give a fuck.

I’m surprised on a daily basis how many people I know say one thing and do another. For instance, indicate they don’t like the heads of a company but yet go work for them. Is it greed that drives this willingness to do things against our core beliefs? OR is that person exactly like them and has a great ability to hide it from all of us. Why on earth would you work for someone that you did not respect?  If I don’t have respect for someone I work for, I leave. Money is not worth selling my soul. I also know that I can’t change someone’s character, so why stick around to see if I can.  What if someone is good to me and takes care of me but is really not a good person in general??? When they take care of a “few” is that supposed to balance out the others they’ve manipulated? Do I still work for them...hell no! Will I still appreciate what they have done for me...absolutely!

So while I ponder if I care what people think about me I will also contemplate those of you out there that aren’t who I thought you were. I am who I am, what you see is what you get. I won’t pretend to like you, I won’t be Facebook friends with you and I’m sorry if that is somehow politically incorrect....but I'm not planning on running for office so I guess being true to myself is ok.

Seriously, STOP changing.

So the infamous Montana relationship has come to an end. I'm not sure what happened, exactly. But what I am sure of is that I've decided I'm tired of change. It's such a weird time of my life, almost a year ago I lost two special animals aka "friends" (Poon and Baby Chicken),  a year prior to that I lost my furry friend, Ribsy. Now I'm staring at my chocolate lab, Dos, and he's about ready to go...cancer. In the middle of it all, I've changed jobs and the man that I was ready "be with" is no longer.  I guess God doesn't give you more than you can handle...or does he?

Love my new company but the dog situation coupled with the loss of boyfriend situation is a little more than I can take right now.  When do the stars align?  When are all aspects of our lives in "awesome"mode?  Is it when you don't want it? Is it when you least expect it? Ok, well let me put this out there...I really expect it and like, RIGHT NOW.  What do you dive into in order to not think about the sadness you feel?  Wine, yep, I've done that. I do have to go to work so "wine" is temporary.  I feel like I could run a marathon right now but on the other hand I can't move off this seat.

I think I've been a pretty positive player, always saying it will all work out for the best. It's hasn't. I want the best, it's my turn.

Seriously.

Time on my hands ...

So I'm hanging out with myself tonight,  I've done this a lot but tonight I feel bored. If someone asked me to do something I wouldn't go...WTF???  I wish everyone I knew and loved would just come hang out with me every night. Maybe not every night, but maybe we could have a calendar...you know, a schedule. But it wouldn't be a set in stone schedule...just if we both feel like it schedule. I love hanging out with friends, but making the effort seems, well, like effort. Does that make me a bad friend or does it make me a lazy friend? I vote for Lazy Friend. A lazy Friend is still a GOOD friend, just lazy. The thing is, once I get out I always have a great time bc I have awesome friends. Am I the only one that thinks like this? What is it about the excitement of having a plan but then not wanting to go and then wishing you had... I think this is somehow the same kind of cruel joke as women having periods, babies, menopause, stretch marks and men having...um, well nothing!!! The only thing we had on men was that they couldn't get an erection...but thanks Viagra!!!  I'm not  even sure if that last thing made sense to anyone but me. It totally made sense when I was talking to myself about it...not out loud of course. 

HA, I just started thinking...I started a new job this past week (which, btw, I love) and have some FB friends from my new job. If they read this I'm not sure they'll get it bc they don't know me very well....SO.... attention new FB friends....I write Blogs after a couple glasses of wine...so please don't take this too seriously.  And obviously I don't drink  a lot because there aren't many entries.  (Old FB friends, that will be our little secret.)  ;)

This is at the bottom of the list of favorite blogs so I will add a little something special...

My buddy!

When Things Change In our Lives

I looked back on when I wrote anything and I thought wow....I wrote when I was sad and I wrote when I was drunk. LOL, yep that's right I was 2-3 glasses of wine in on that last one.

So I have recently quit my job and it was the most emotional decision I've ever made. I literally was holding Alaina's hand (that's my boss) and sobbing like a baby. Ha, she held my clammy hand and was listening and confused and shocked and well, sad... I think....and maybe a little grossed out about my sweaty palm.  See at Garman we are family, we have a culture that most don't understand and even more don't care about or believe in.  Most times people will move on and when they do it sucks when you have a culture like we do.  I believe that paths cross for a reason, we learn lessons from those that walk our path with us (even if it's for a short time) and we're always better for having gone through change.  That doesn't mean that I like change but I understand it's necessary.

I guess I'm writing because I'm sad tonight... Yep, I'm sad.  I'm also excited that there is something new around the corner. But mostly right now, I'm trying to appreciate the other 16 people that I worked with at Garman Homes and all they have taught me...

Nancy ... my cheerleader, my Fairfield buddy and my friend.
Val...the one that surprises me every time I see her with some off the wall comment, completely not expected.
Lydie...always sweet, always smiling...and I'm always wishing you the best.
Kristi... funny, loud (like me) and always wanting the best!!
Eric...ouch!! ouch!!! I mean,  I love when you squeeze our necks and try to break them.
Jim...ok, see ya' bye...and thanks! ;)
Yosra...you're full of talent and charm....good combination.
Don...seriously, is there anyone that can give my "stuff" a voice and make it hilarious...nope.
Gerry... oh you softy, you're butt cheek dance can't be duplicated...be proud.
Dink...dude chill out, you're way too worked up.
Kevin... coupons, coupons, coupons, and the best CM I've ever worked with. Thank you.
Dan...smiling, helpful, trustworthy, and always my calming influence.
Laurel...oh princess, rocky start...sweet finish! Your strength is inspiring.
Mags... oh Mags, laughter and smiles, your friendship is everlasting to all. Please don't put me at the end of the line, or even second to the end. :)
Katie...ahhh deep breath,  I get you...you have an amazing future ahead of you... I know it.
Allison...friend to the end...bumps and bruises and still solid...your fire is what drives you and it is amazing.
Alaina...oh girl, don't lose the heart that brought you this far...you're like no other. Lots of love to you always!!!

A small chapter of my life has ended, but it's in writing so not to be forgotten. Love you all!

Change. It's happening.

What is there to blog about ....

So, after the premier of my first post I realized that I really have no idea what I'm doing. I didn't know that you could download an "app" to blog from any mobile device....there's an app for that????!!!   And, I was so excited that I actually did write something AND put it on FB that I read it like 47 times....hmmm maybe more :) So I got all excited when I looked at the stats for my blog (yes, they have stats on this too, who knew??? did you know???) and 92 people had read it.......well, wooooohooooo!!!! That's pretty good for a first-timer, right??!! Only, 47 of those peeps were me...darn it!  

Anyway, I was talking to my friend Maggie the other day and she asked when I was going to blog again....Now this is coming from the girl that when I called her the next day after the premier of my blog, for something totally unrelated to my super blog, picked up the phone laughing....oh and, she couldn't stop laughing.  Which in turn made me laugh and I really had no idea what she was laughing about...you know when that happens??? I like that, laughing when you don't know what you  are laughing about. Funny stuff!  Well, she said "ahahahahahaha i read your blog! ahahahahahaha! and I loved it!" Do you remember when I said my close friends are going to be like "WHAT?!!" Well, she was def one of them. :)  So, I told her I didn't know bc what the heck was I going to talk about.  I can talk about how I have nothing to talk about....she said, yeah, that works!  Here I am with nothing to talk about and I'm many words into it. Pretty cool, right?

Suddenly all of these things that I want to talk about are coming to mind...like what's happened since Poon and Baby Chicken left, how my co-worker/friend Laurel wants to bring lots of old words back like RATS! and SHUCKS! and DANG IT! or how my other co-worker/friend Allison likes to use words like Hubba HUBBA when referring to firemen or how she calls men parts Man-Nuggets OR I'd like to talk about my job, that never seems like a job, and my boss that doesn't seem like a boss but is respected as one...but is funny like crazy!! And so many more characters at work that I consider my family away from family....well, you'll have to stay tuned bc I'm running out of run-on sentences and random thoughts for tonight.

I guess there really is stuff to talk about.

First post, maybe last, probably not.

When my friends, I mean the people that know me "friends", see that I started a blog... They are going to be like "what ?! She can't form anything except a run-on sentence!!! AND she never proof reads anything"... I will not be breaking any of these fine habits.

Well, too bad!! I have thoughts and they come in two forms 1) run on sentences or 2) fragment sentences. Somehow I blame both of these on some degree of A.D.D.  I've never been formally diagnosed, but in order to self medicate I must be able to self diagnose! So, in order to read my blog you must know that the reason there are so many typos is because I'm too lazy to go back and fix anything and I speak in explanation marks... All the time. Oops.... !!!!!

Why now, why a blog??? This past month has been filled with so many random thoughts and I only have a few friends that I'm confident enough to share these thoughts with. Ha, and so now everyone gets to hear them.  Good, bad , ugly or crazy... They are coming out!! This blog is mostly starting because I just put my 14 yr old yellow lab to sleep, UNO aka The Poon, aka Poon!, aka Pooner   Followed, two weeks later, by putting one of may cats to sleep, she was 4. Her name was Baby Chicken named after my best friend Chicken, aka Kimberly Harman.  Ugh, so much emotion and nothing to do with it. It's almost one month since I had to say goodbye to, unarguably, the best dog-friend anyone could ask for. Did you see Marley& me? Well, pretty close to my life with the Poon, except Poon was way heavier... In a big boned kinda way. And well, I'm not married, and oh yeah... I don't have kids... Whatever,  you get the picture.

Thank you Poon and Baby Chicken for filling my life with unconditional love. The holes in my heart will eventually turn into scars, but never doubt for a moment that your love was worth the sadness I feel now.

This blog may not relate to anyone but me, but that's ok, maybe that's good enough.